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I just had another dream again today. I remember it too. I woke up and it was nighttime. There was this foreboding feeling. I started walking, then running - i think. Next thing I know I'm running through a crowd of people. I get to where I'm going, or maybe I don't and then I look up into the sky. I notice that where the moon should be, there is something else instead. It looks like a cell, translucently covering the moon. I realize that despite all this it's bright out, as if the sun were shining. This leads to me asking if no one else sees that, which results in me talking about the earth as a living organism, with us as it's immune system, protecting it from harm. This guy there seems interested, and then I turn the explanation backwards, saying that we are invaders, and things like viruses are the earth's immune system. The guy seems happy to hear me say this, especially the last part. When I look up in the sky again, I can see fire in the mountains. After looking a bit more it looks like firey debris dropping from the sky. I think I remark that planes are falling out of the sky, and then something that looks like a meteor crashes off into the distance. At this point I'm terrified and wake up. What scares me, terrifies me even, isn't the fact of the world ending. It's the feeling, the sensation... the knowledge that it all ends and I'm not with God, or really a Christian. Despite being surrounded by people I'm all alone. Maybe it's that empty feeling that terrifies me. When I wake up I do the only thing I can, and ask God to forgive me, because it's unfathomable to me that he'd make me feel like this if my soul weren't in danger. But what if he did, what if the warning wasn't for me? What if I'm being made to feel this way so that I'd be better, more earnest and enthusiastic in telling others about Jesus Christ. Moreover, what if it was just a dream? That last option will never seem a realistic possibility to me, but whether it is or not, God I need help. |
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I think...
... you should stop worrying about going to hell and just do the right thing. Stop questioning God, stop asking for all the answers. Just have faith in Him. Faith that he'll let you know when he wants you to do something. Faith in His Salvation to save you from your wretched, miserable existence. Or faith that he'll keep looking after you and continue your prosperity. You really want to know that bad what God wants you to do Mr. Christian? Read the Bible. It's all there.
Chances are though, you won't want to do most of the things in there. Why should God repeatedly answer your "What do you want me to do?" queries when millennia of your ancestors, and even you, just ignore what is said afterward. I'd get exasperated at talking to all you unbelieving, unfaithful, ungrateful "christians" too. Luckily for you, God is love. He gets over your selfishness remarkably quickly and welcomes you back into the foal willingly. Provided you admit that you done wrong, ask to be let back in, and sincerely try to better.
Having that dream about being all alone and without God. Feeling like Jesus has forsaken you? Naaaah son. You got it all wrong. He died for you and your sins a long time ago. By going back to the same old you after you pledged yourself to him, placed yourself in his service, you forsook him. What you're feeling there kiddo, is guilt. Guilt because you know you haven't done right. If you're that concerned about being without God then work your butt off at making that an impossibility.
If you have any doubt, any at all, something's not right (with your soul?) and changes need to be made; behaviors modified; faith reaffirmed. Because if you think He's going to leave you when push comes to shove, you know that deep down inside, there's a reason for that. Stop whining, get rid of the reason(s) and take it one day at a time.
The Lord realizes, better than anyone, that you're not perfect, that you need help. He's not expecting a complete change overnight. You're going to have to work at it and that takes time. For some it takes more time than others. He's not just going to go flip some switch in your head and BOOM, you're a saint. If that's all there was to it, the allowance of free will would have been a pointless gesture.
As it stands, you have to actively work at it, actively choose to do right, to help others (even though you hate them). In doing so, you just might find yourself becoming a better person, and not feel like you're letting God down and are not worthy to be in His presence. That's what I think. But what do I know, I'm just the voice in your head; telling you what God wants you to do...